Eating to Please

I had a client once who went to an Indian restaurant and ordered a dish full of curried vegetables, hold the rice. She had just completed a cleanse and was feeling light and vibrant and simply didn’t want anything that felt too heavy. Towards the end of her meal, the server came by and brought her a large bowl of white rice, and with a big smile said, “It’s on the house!” She told me that the guy was so nice, she felt absolutely terrible not eating it. So she took a few bites, smooshed it around with the rest of her food so it looked like she had eaten more, and then asked for a to-go container, citing the excuse that she was really full. And this was a stranger. Imagine the guilt if it were someone she had known!

 

This client had a huge ‘Aha’ moment after she left the restaurant. She had been prepared to put food into her body that she really didn’t want, just to please someone else; and her entire life of doing just that flashed before her eyes.

 

Whether it’s a romantic partner asking you to share in a food experience, a celebration or party where you feel obligated to join in the eating festivities, or a parent telling a child who is actually full to finish what’s on their plate, we’ve all faced situations where we are asked to eat to please other people.

 

It’s one thing if you do want to eat the food. I’m a firm believer in allowing yourself the flexibility to account for life as it happens, including special occasions. But if you don’t want the food and you eat it just to be nice, then you are putting other people’s feelings ahead of the needs of your own body. This can become a problem if chronic; you can imagine the impact on your weight and long-term health.

 

We all want others to like us. It can be difficult to stand up for our own wants and needs when we think it will sound silly, or inconvenience someone else, or make us look un-cool or uptight. Just saying ‘no’ is not as easy as it sounds.

 

So, what can you do to make sure you’re honoring your own needs while still being gracious to those around you?

• Make your boundaries with yourself clear first. What foods absolutely don’t work for you? What don’t you want to eat? For me, these boundaries are that I simply don’t want and don’t eat high glycemic sugar/flour or meat. Then, decide if there are any extenuating circumstances where this might change. I decided long ago that if I was at a friend’s wedding, I might have a bite of their wedding cake; not enough to affect me negatively, but enough to feel like I was sharing in the celebration. I’ve also decided that if I’m in a situation where something (like rice) is cooked in chicken broth and there aren’t any other choices, like I’m on a road-trip in a food desert, or I can’t verify that it’s not chicken broth, I might go ahead and eat it.
• Always make sure to joyfully receive an offering of food as a gift. When someone has gone out of their way to cook something for me or buy me a special treat that they think I might like, and it either has sugar or meat in it, I receive the intention of the gift fully, allowing it to light up my heart, and I try to respond with whole-hearted gratitude. Even if you give it away later, or let them know that you aren’t able to eat it, if you have truly received the intention of the gift instead of rejecting it or receiving it with guilt, everyone involved will feel better.
• Finally, respectfully let others know what you eat or don’t eat, especially people to whom you are close. A good friend and previous client of mine has an amazing husband who regularly surprises her with delicious chocolates. When she was trying to deal with her sugar cravings, these gifts, while endearing, were not helpful to say the least. She finally got the guts to request an alternatively sweetened chocolate that would really support her plight to reduce sugar in her diet. From then on, the chocolate treats were up-leveled:)

 

Also know that it’s completely up to you whether or not you share your reason for your food choices. I usually feel comfortable letting people know that I was a sugar addict for a long time, turned myself hypo-glycemic, and now sugar makes me feel terrible. But you don’t ever need to justify your personal choices to anyone.

 

Honor your body, your choices, and your boundaries on a regular basis. Remember that ultimately, you are not responsible for other people’s feelings about your food choices, especially to the detriment of your health.

 

Take a moment to assess where else in your life you might be allowing your boundaries to be crossed in order to please other people? Often times our eating habits directly reflect how we live our life. As Geneen Roth, bestselling author and expert in dis-ordered eating, once said in a lecture I attended, “What we really believe is possible for us shows up in microcosm on our plates.” So, while it might seem like a small thing, honoring your body and your boundaries with eating has implications far past the edge of your plate.

 

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